Sunday, March 7, 2010

Emotional Battles

Here lately, I have really been fighting to be happy. I feel like I am constantly just standing on the edge just waiting there. I am not sure why it feels like things are so much harder than they usually are. I know that there is a lot of pride and selfishness involved with feeling unhappy. I have been trying really hard to come up with a genuine recipe for smiles. I do not have a hard time smiling, but sometimes I do have a hard time just feeling good in general...Here is my spill.....(please be patient with me)
First of all, I know my hormones are all sorts of crazy because I am pregnant. Not only am I pregnant, but I barely transitioned from being part of a huge social scene in the "single" life. This really has been a hard transition. I went from constantly playing and being around tons of people to the norms of married life. Robert really is wonderful, but I miss being able to be around so many different types of people and just having girl time with roommies. I really hope that the people that do have those times and privileges do not take them for granted. They really are times to be cherished.
It makes me feel somewhat alone and everyday I am so scared that I am not going to be a good mom. I can have all the reassurance in the world, but I know it is something I am going to have to prove to myself.
Along with all these sad feelings, I have been having really bad anxiety. I get really nervous around people and then I start getting really hot and my face turns red, I feel like I cant breath and I am being suffocated. When I do get fresh air and I am alone, I cry. Im not sure what makes me cry, but I do. I feel scared and then I feel confined. I hate those feelings. What happened to the social butterfly in me?
I feel like I am writing these things and maybe it will be a step closer to me being better or doing what it takes to be better.
A call to action: I was reading in 2 Nephi 10, and verses 23 and 24 really stuck out to me. I read them a bit differently than I had in the past. This is what I pulled out of them: Happiness comes from aligning our actions with the will of God. It makes it perfectly clear in these verses that happiness IS a choice. I have always believed that, but I needed to see that and interpret it the way I did. Thank goodness for the little mercies in life....

5 comments:

Kara said...

Sounds like a little what I went through. Anxiety stinks, but as long you recognize what is making you feel that way its a step in the right direction. Pregnancy makes everyone crazy, just hang in there and you will do just fine:)

Zachary and Rachel Toomey said...

cha cha! i love you . and let me tell you that this week has not been the same without you. just know that i am always here to talk because sometimes you just need a friend you can lean on!

Beke said...

Life is tough. You've gotten through harder battles, so I know you will make it through this one. Parenthood is scary, but be grateful you have the opportunity to experience it and become that much closer to becoming like our Heavenly Father.

Amy Eaton said...

Talking about how you are feel is one of the best things to do. It will all be worth it in the end. I don't think anyone really understands how hard it can me emotional and physically to be pregnant until it's you...You'll make it hang in there.

Renee and Jake said...

Its okay, I am real crazy right now too. We never know what kind of parents we are until are grandchildren are grown....it will pass. You can call me, I feel not together now too.